Back to School: Why Routine Comforts, Why It Stresses, and How to Offer Grace in Transition
Back-to-school season often feels like a swirl of emotions. Relief that the kids are back in a routine, trying to find a rhythm. Stress about logistics and schedules. Sadness over summer moments that slipped away. Excitement for fresh beginnings. For moms, it’s rarely just one feeling, it may be some or all of them, layered together.
The good news? Neuroscience and research show us that all these feelings are normal. Our brains and bodies are wired to respond to transitions in different ways, and the more we understand those responses, the more grace we can extend to ourselves and our kids.
Why Routine Feels So Good to Some
From a neuroscience perspective, routines calm the nervous system. Our brains are constantly scanning the environment, asking: Am I safe? What’s coming next? Predictability gives the brain a sense of safety and control, lowering stress hormones like cortisol.
Polyvagal theory, as described by Stephen Porges and applied by psychologist Mona Delahooke, shows us that routines provide “cues of safety.” In her book Beyond Behaviors, Delahooke reminds us:
“When children feel safe, their nervous systems are organized in ways that allow them to be calm, engaged, and open to learning.”
This is why some kids (and parents) flourish as soon as school starts. They crave the structure and feel grounded by it.
Why Routine Feels Hard to Others
But not everyone thrives on structure. For some, the sudden shift from summer’s openness to school’s rigidity creates stress. Their nervous systems need more flexibility and time to adjust.
Laura Markham, author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, explains it this way:
“Children act out because they can’t put their needs into words. What looks like defiance is usually stress.”
That stress often shows up in the body: stomachaches, tears at drop-off, or extra clinginess. Moms feel it too, through irritability, overwhelm, or exhaustion.
Neither response is “better” or “worse.” They’re simply different ways our bodies and brains process transition.
Honoring Our Differences
One of the most healing things we can do in this season is to honor the differences, between children, between siblings, and between ourselves and other moms.
Some of us feel steady with a color-coded calendar. Others need space for spontaneity. Some children run into school, eager for friends and routine. Others need more patience, reassurance, and time.
Comparison steals peace. Nurturing differences builds connection.
What Actually Helps
Here are a few gentle practices that can make this transition smoother:
Outsource where possible. Lunches, carpool, after-school snacks, house chores, if you can simplify, share, or streamline, do it.
Reevaluate expectations. Not everything has to be picture-perfect. Give yourself permission to drop what doesn’t serve your family.
Grieve the “what didn’t happen.” Maybe that trip didn’t work out, or summer slipped by too quickly. Acknowledging the loss makes space for moving forward.
Offer grace. To your child who melts down at bedtime. To yourself when you snap under stress. To the teachers who are navigating their own transitions.
Extending Grace in the Messy Middle
Transitions are rarely seamless. They’re bumpy, full of adjustments, and often messy. But within the mess, there’s opportunity: to connect more deeply, to practice compassion, and to remind ourselves that thriving doesn’t mean doing it all perfectly.
As Mona Delahooke beautifully puts it:
“Challenging behaviors are not willful misbehavior but stress responses.”
And as Laura Markham reminds us:
“Parents don’t need to be perfect. Children thrive when we repair mistakes, reconnect, and keep showing up with love.”
So this back-to-school season, let’s choose connection over perfection. Let’s remember that nervous systems settle over time. And let’s extend abundant grace, because transitions are hard—but we are not alone in them.
Moms, how is your family finding its rhythm this season? How can I help you during this busy season?
