Tender and Fierce Self-Compassion: Caring for Yourself and Harnessing Your Kindness
By: Mary Ajenifuja
Motherhood, pregnancy, and postpartum life are some of the most transformative and demanding seasons of life. With identity shifts, lifestyle changes, hormonal surges, and the responsibility of caring for a vulnerable new life, it’s no wonder that so many new mothers find themselves swimming in self-doubt, comparison, or exhaustion.
In these moments, self-compassion can be a powerful anchor. But self-compassion is not just softness and self-soothing. It also has a strong, protective energy, a sort of “mama bear” force, that can help you set boundaries, advocate for yourself, and build resilience.
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is simply treating yourself with the same kindness and care you would offer to a close friend or loved one.
Kristin Neff, Ph.D., a leading researcher in this field, describes it as having three essential elements:
Mindfulness: recognizing what you’re experiencing without judgment or avoidance
Common Humanity: remembering that struggle is part of the shared human condition, not a personal failure
Self-Kindness: offering warmth, gentleness, and care instead of harsh criticism
In other words, self-compassion is not about self-pity, weakness, or “letting yourself off the hook”. It’s about learning to be on your own side through the highs and lows.
For many of us, self-criticism is second nature. That inner voice may even sound familiar, like a parent, teacher, or authority figure we once knew.
Do you notice yourself trying to be your own drill sergeant? Motivating yourself with shame, blame or aggression? Maybe you serve yourself disappointment or punishment if you don’t hit the mark.
If this leaves you feeling small, stuck, or unworthy, consider a different approach: motivating yourself through care and challenge instead of criticism. Ask yourself: How would I help a friend or loved one who felt this way?
Two Faces of Self-Compassion: Tender and Fierce
Self-compassion can present as tender or fierce. Both are vital. Both are powerful. Learning when and how to lean into each one can help you feel more balanced and resilient.
Tender Self-Compassion: Caring for Yourself
Tender self-compassion is the gentle side of kindness. It’s about comforting, soothing, and creating a soft place for yourself to land.
This can look like:
Allowing yourself to rest when you’re exhausted
Taking a warm bath to promote healing after birth
Speaking gently to yourself when you feel overwhelmed: “This is hard, and I’m doing the best I can.”
Tender self-compassion is about acceptance. It’s reminding yourself that imperfection and struggle are normal and that you are worthy of care exactly as you are.
Fierce Self-Compassion: Harnessing Your Kindness
Fierce self-compassion is the protective, action-oriented side. It’s about tapping into the strength that protects, motivates, sets boundaries and advocates for your needs and growth. Think of it as your “mama bear” mode.
This can look like:
Advocating for yourself in a clinical visit if something feels off
Asking your partner or support system for help instead of pushing through alone
Saying “no” to commitments that drain you
Motivating yourself from love, not fear: “I know this is uncomfortable, but I also know I’m capable.”
This is not about aggression or perfectionism. It’s about caring enough for yourself to act in alignment with your needs and values.
Finding Balance: Toggling Between Tender and Fierce
Some days you may need to lean harder into tenderness. On others, you may feel more capable of harnessing fierceness. The key is mindfulness, tuning in to where you’re at and what you need.
For example:
Tender: “I’m overwhelmed, I need a nap to recharge.”
Fierce: “I feel stretched thin, I’m going to ask my partner for help with tonight’s feeding.”
You may toggle back and forth between both, sometimes in the same day. That flexibility is not a weakness, it’s the groundwork for adaptability and resilience.
Self-Compassion in the Perinatal Period
During pregnancy and postpartum, self-compassion becomes especially important, and often especially difficult.
You may compare yourself to others and aim for perfection in a noble attempt to give your baby “the best.”
When things don’t go exactly right, you may slip into self-judgment.
Shifting identities, lifestyle changes, and hormonal shifts can intensify self-criticism.
This is when self-compassion becomes a lifeline.
Tender self-compassion helps you rest, heal, and soften into this new season.
Fierce self-compassion helps you stand up for your needs, protect what’s important to you, and resist the pressure to “do it all.”
Both matter.
Here are some ways you can apply both tender and fierce self-compassion during this transition.
Understanding Your Birth Story
Tender: Instead of replaying regrets, offer kindness: “My birth didn’t go as planned, and that’s hard. I did my best.”
Fierce: Advocate for yourself by asking questions, requesting records, or debriefing with a trusted provider to process your story.
Finding Breastfeeding Support
Tender: Remind yourself feeding challenges don’t define your worth: “This is difficult, and I deserve gentleness.”
Fierce: Seek support by asking for help, contacting a healthcare provider, seeing a lactation consultant, joining a group, or consider a feeding plan that works better for your needs.
Navigating Postpartum Identity Shifts
Tender: If you feel lost, remind yourself that identity is allowed to evolve: “I’m learning who I am in this season.”
Fierce: Set boundaries around social media or conversations that fuel comparison. Protect your mental health by curating what voices and influences you allow in.
Facing Exhaustion
Tender: Permit yourself to nap instead of forcing productivity. Rest is a valid and needed form of care.
Fierce: Ask your partner, family member, or friend for tangible help, whether it’s a meal, childcare, or space to recover.
As a mom, you already embody both forms of compassion for your baby. You soothe them when they cry, and you protect them when they’re threatened. You deserve that same dual force of care directed inward.
When you show compassion for yourself, in both soft and strong ways, you’re not just surviving motherhood. You’re modelling resilience, self-respect, and authentic kindness for the little one who’s watching you grow too.
Want to learn more?
Dr. Kristin Neff’s website has exercises and resources
See here for great infographic
https://www.alifeinprogress.ca/how-to-practice-fierce-self-compassion/
